"I have been driven many times upon my knees  with overwhelming conviction,

I had nowhere else to go" - Abraham Lincoln

Irony

Sometimes things can go no wrong.. everything seems to be going perfectly well.

You come to the verge of absolute bliss.

You achieve what you always wanted.

You should be happy.... and as it happened with me... should be the happiest.

But Im sad..

Im not so selfish .. not so self centered that I can enjoy..

Im disheartened.

When  I should be out partying.. 

Im sitting at home mourning.. Hungry and unfed

I wish I could have people around me whom could party with me...

I wish I was not alone on the happiest day of my life..

I wish... I wish  lot of things..

My mentor always used to say...

Its always lonely at the top.

But I never expected it to be so meaningless.. So shallow... So SAD

Ezekiel 25:17.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness.
For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.
And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

"I"

I am not on the side of people who exaggerate their great doings of their past,
Nor am I in a position where I can appreciate great-same-old-lousy anecdotes of people,
But surely I humbly smile at every Normal thing that happens around me.
I am game for defects, Perfection no more turns me on.
I laugh at the tiniest of the events that occur in my vicinity,
I smirk at the Mundane thoughts,
I feel the bright summer even in the midst of bitter winter
And I believe in the 'I'.

Staid

“Have I not wept for the one whose life is hard?
Was not my soul grieved for the needy?
When I expected good, then evil came;
When I waited for light, then darkness came.
I am seething within and cannot relax;
Days of affliction confront me.
I go about mourning without comfort;
I stand up in the assembly and cry out for help."

Intense Insecurity

“You Dog”
“Male chauvinist pig”
“You are such a cheapster”
“Arrogant Bastard”
“Cold hearted prick”
These are only some of the many compliments I have earned over the years. ‘Egoist’ and ‘narcissist’ are the most common and the only ones I agree with myself. But INSECURE, this is brand new.
When you are in transactional exchange with someone, you form a relationship. This may be either positive or negative (depending on the philosophy of half empty and full). I personally try to learn from all transactions and move on. Because as Dr. Brian Weiss say, we are here on this earth, just to learn from experiences, and that’s the only aim.
But there are certain ones, the ones, which you call as deep friendship; the ones, which are forged with admiration, and sometimes, blind faith. Where you want the other to benefit more than you yourself benefit from the whole transactional experience. In those cases, you cannot be detached, unconcerned.
In such cases, you are more emotional, more caring, and more passionate. But these high degree of the sense of belongingness, this INTENSITY in relationship is taken as insecurity. Instead of appreciating the concern, the other person tends to shy away, even fight and respond in a hostile manner.
The only course befitting such a situation, letting go of your emotions to a certain degree and give each other another chance. But if this does not work, the only way left is to let go completely, before things turn into hatred.
The person may not be ready yet and it is not in your hand. He or she maybe waiting for something, some sign, some happening, some experience. And that might be another life!

Anomaly

The “teens” is the most difficult stage of life… or that’s what everyone says. Parents are tired that their children, now the new young people do not listen to them… and why should they, they are beginning to understand life and make their own rules.
They setup in their mind what is best for them; they formulate their own rights or wrongs. More than not they are correct. They see over the superficial protectionist attitude of others… and so comes the realisation that how they are living the dreams that someone else has put forth for them.
Different teens have different way to come to term with this newfound insight into themselves and also everything else that encompasses them.
Some go with the flow, become the good souls… and follow blindly that is put forth them… others grow miraculously rebellious and do only what is forbidden, and then there are those who are unable to take the gravity of this whole new world and meaning put forth… and they subject themselves to one or the other abuse… drugs and alcohol being the most common.
I belonged to another category… the ones who are incredibly pampered, the ones who get the best of whatever they want and whose every idea gets the acceptance of everyone… they become the present day narcissists.
People like me, in their teens formulate some ground rules, whom to talk to, whom to meet, what is good, what is bad, etc. etc. The fact that they are correct most of the times and what they say is generally accepted by their peers, only establishes their behaviour even more.
They create a fabric of consistencies, equations and conventions. This fabric grows and self weaves stronger and stronger as they step out of their teens and encompass thempresenting them with tinted “feel good” spectacles. But this blog; today is not about me… neither about my kind.
But it is in fact about the anomaly, which shows existence at the exact time when we think we have the perfect world.
The Anomaly in my case is a person, who shattered all my “fundas” I had developed with so much time and efforts(or I should say atleast most of them). She brought forth the shallowness of my beliefs and how superficial they were in real.
No matter how hard I try now to live in the fancy world I had created for myself, at the back of the mind I know I had failed to justify all my beliefs to one person.
I may not understand the anomaly completely ever, nor may be able to change myself absolutely… and I may try to fight with her a thousand times and she may go and leave me for avenues far far away, but I can only remain indebted to the ANOMALY for showing that life has much more in its wide scopes than what I have understood till now… and that, there is a lot of distance to cover.
I wish the very best to MY anomaly… U will always be my best friend… my closest friend and I will always be there for you.

Thank You for everything.

The ultimate answer

I understand the whole concept of the institution of marriage. It no longer seems as an act of buffoonery and a life long endless sacrifice with an inevitable perpetual compromise. Sitting in a plush and posh Delhi bar next to two pseudo-blonde chicks and of course my dear old Jha I realized all this.
The last two months have been more than an intellectual learning for me (the primary cause of my being here, in this unknown city). No doubt it was there, in far more greater proportions than I actually think, I have absorbed. But along with it, I believe I have grown to be a person with insight and some degree of spiritual understanding ( If I may take the liberty)
And unlike most of the people around, who lack it and are in consistent pursuit of it. I guess I have gained it pretty much without any sweat. (Just by living a life of excess and of course a few oz of ethanol down my system)
Waking up to a new face in bed every week is not as enticing and charming as it used to seem. Not that it’s bad, and let’s not get in to the morals of the whole issue. It is a great ego boost; you are happy and ready to take on the world with no regrets and pure bliss. You have a slicker, sharper self visualization and you see the world with rosy glasses. And your close ones are the first ones to notice it and point out the stark differences. But then like all other things you get used to it and it becomes an ordeal, a ‘pain in the neck’ especially the ‘cleaning up’ act and all the good byes; I’m seriously pathetic at that!
This pleasurable monotony brings to your mind the pictures of the past. While you are such a ‘Bond’, How come you were and still are always a jerk in front of the person you actually love! Why were you unable to make out with a special someone, even though the atmosphere was right, setting was perfect! You were forced to act, in the good will of the other person, the thing better for her. Than thinking about your own stupid, selfish, self; you chose to think about her future, her loved ones, her family.
This brings us back to the self realization phenomena!
When one has it, only then can one realize the futility of all the pursuit. The superficiality! Is this what I want all my life?
I agree that the majority of my fellow beings, especially in this country think of marriage as nothing but a pathway for love making. That may remain the case for 8-10 years after that, depending on the libido, after which it looses it’s importance as the paramount desire. Down the line at the age of forty, your more likely to be drawn towards your home, just because some one is there, who understands your silences. In front of whom there is no pretence (inspite this being a ‘make up’ world) who is, in true meaning your philosopher and a guide. You are happy and thankful to your fore fathers for establishing this institution so that it is easier for you to pursue your other dreams of actualization with ease and stability. This is also the time when you realize, had you been more careful, giving and considerate with your acquaintances and your ‘so called’ friends, with whom you have almost lost contact now, with just the occasional greeting on festivals and get-togethers. You could have got more persons to bank upon! And then you realize the true meaning of brotherhood and friendship.


PS: Caution:: This is not a self help write up! The author does not take the responsibility if the reader self confesses his/her unconditional love and admiration for some one and be charged with eternal damnation for the then longed and prolonged hellish life. What works for me, might not work for you!!